no one said healing was easy

physically or mentally, but oh how I wish it was.
I really wish I didn't have such an empty house at this time. :/
I work too much and don't sleep through the night. It's frustrating.
It's hard to be reliable and in pain, and I feel like I'm at my limit.
I would do almost anything to have Devin get airman orders this month.
August has been better than June and July, but they weren't hard to beat between my accident and the death of baby Taco.
I am just done with this place.

i hate big trucks.

I feel like I was hit by a truck, except that that happened to me recently, and this is so much worse.

progress so far...

I'm happy to report that since we started our saving and debt killing journey, we have been making much more progress than we ever have before. Staying on a cash budget is proving more difficult than we thought with Devin being away. However, since we started we have a baby emergency fund of $1000 saved (we have never saved that much ever!), and have saved a great chunk of money for a trip to Las Vegas to watch my brother graduate this summer. (I know we could kill a bunch of debt super fast by NOT going on the trip, but frankly, I need to see some sunshine, Devin needs to get away from that boat, and I don't want to pass up the opportunity to watch my little brother graduate.)
I have paid off one credit card completely and am taking chunks off the next one. All in all, we have paid off over $1100 in debt since starting this journey. It's been over 3 months since we started this so maybe this doesn't seem like a huge chunk to you, but trust me, if you knew how much we made, this is amazing. (and if you are really nosey and want to know, military pay charts are public.) I would have never thought I would be able to say in 3 months I had found that much extra to put towards savings and debt. Now lately, I have been making more at my job due to some management changes, but most of this we had accomplished before the management shift. I will get to kill a second credit card by the end of this month. WOO-HOO!
I think my mom is sick of me talking about savings and debt every time we talk on the phone, so now you get to hear about it...whoever you are.

belated "sunshine"

I love love love flowers. Especially bulb flowers such as tulips, daffodils, and amaryllis. I had a little surprise waiting for me when I got home a couple weeks ago. It made my day and reminded me that I'm surrounded by a great community of people. What was awesome was another friend recently gifted me with the awesome stone that holds flowers! I hadn't got to use it yet, so I was so excited to try it out. (I had way more daffodils than fit in my little stone vase, so I split them up around the house.) I just had to share.

The little silver bird says "believe".

stranger

It was sunny. I went to the beach to eat lunch. I followed as the clouds danced across the sky. I watched the sand lift up in the wind and settle on my pants. I stared at the ocean and hated it for wrongs it didn't commit. I had tears in my eyes masked behind sunglasses.
I saw Red Beard when he was a long way off. For being such a big beach, he was walking straight towards me. I always go out of my way to avoid people, especially when they are sitting alone. Couldn't he walk anywhere else? I tried to make myself invisible.
It didn't work.
Red Beard came right up to me and said, "Hello, how are you today?" I replied, "Hello, I'm good. How are you?" I was what I considered to be far from good, and while I was cursing myself for failing at being invisible, I was thankful for my sunglasses that helped me hide the tears behind them.
Red Beard raised his hands up towards the sky and said, "Well?? It's sunny!" I smiled back assuming he meant all was well as most people in this land equate sun with good without factoring in that warmth is better than cold sun. I guess some sun is better than none.
As Red Beard read my deepest thoughts he said, "Ya know, things could be better. That's true. But things could also be a hell of a lot worse." I didn't feel like we were talking about the weather anymore.
With that he walked away and lit a cigarette.